My Recent Ramblings

Disclaimer: These are my raw, unrefined feelings. Sometimes things don't come out just right, so please please please know that I never intent to hurt other people's feelings. This is one of those posts that is emotional and tender, please don't offend or be offended.

It's Christmas Eve and I should probably be writing about the birth of our Savior but today I finally feel like blogging again so I am just gonna do this my way. And just for the record, I blog for me not for anyone else. This is my public journal. I haven't even written in my private journal is just as long.
The last several months have been the most up and down I have ever felt in my life before. Last year this time I was teary eyed because I was so grateful to be spending the holidays with my sweet baby boy who had survived premature labor, and my spouse. I had short hair with no hair dye and a very quiet life.
This year I am laying in a bed at my parents cabin, watching the snow flurry outside the bay window, listening for that same sweet baby boy to wake up from his morning nap, calling the courts (again. and yes, on christmas eve) to see if my divorce decree is ready (" Its not ready yet. Call back this afternoon"), my hair is two different colors its never been before, and I'm feeling guilty that I don't miss my exhusband at all. I feel no emptiness. I feel.... relieved... is that so horrible of me? I buy clothes that I want to wear I do things that I want to do and I have opinions that I want to have. I feel like I am Kelsey again. I miss being married but I don't miss Mike at all. In fact I surprise myself at how rarely he crosses my mind. I am not about to start bashing Mike on here because no child of God deserves that. My only point is that, I feel better. Not fantastic, but better. And certainly relieved. I changed so much about myself to try to make him love me more and when it was all for naught, I felt relieved. I should not have changed myself for someone. Anyone else. We should all be true to ourselves, and wait for that special someone who is going to love you for YOU. I did myself a disservice. We set ourselves up for divorce. Plain and simple.
Anyways, enough rambling.
I came across an article on the internet that I am pouring over, I love this man's honesty and bluntness. The article is titled 16 Ways I Blew My Marriage and I wish everyone would read it. Happily married, unhappily married, soon to be married, want to be married. ALL of you. There are plenty of people that will tell you what you should be doing in your marriage but this article gives a whole new perspective from a twice divorced man who wished he had done these things differently. Also, there is a part 2 with 15 more points.
As for the things I wish I had done differently?
I wish I had seen Mike's lack of commitment in our relationship and hadn't told myself my commitment would make up the difference.
I wish I had remained true to myself. (see first paragraph) I feel it is good for a husband and wife to share hobbies and opinions but something I did was wrong. Before I even moved out of Mike's apartment I read some of my old journals and I was floored at how much I didn't recognize myself. I can't quite explain it, but I just felt disappointed in myself. At this point in my life (2012) I had extremely low self esteem, I felt distanced from my Heavenly Father, I was very critical towards other people, even towards those that I loved, and I had lost my usual optimistic outlook on life.
I wish I had treated him better. We acted more like roomates than lovers. It was a burden to help each other out and so many things turned into an obligation, rather than a privilege.
I wish I had seen the red flags earlier and asked the hard questions earlier. Like "You have a problem with this part of me? Let's talk about this, and let me tell you I am proud my standards are this high. So deal with it. And I'm not about to apologize." Instead I just laid low and tried to please him anyway I could.
I once heard divorced people give the best marriage advice and I strongly disagree with that. Hello, we FAILED at it, we are probably more puzzled that anyone else. However I do feel like I have a new perspective on marriage. I have new ideas about the important things in a marriage and what needs the most emphasis. I know some of the ways how my marriage failed and I certainly won't let those things happen again, but marriage is a complicated relationship. I only experienced 3 years of it, what the sam heck do i know?!
I'm not sure what else to say, other than there is no need to worry about Jackson and I. We are doing great, every day is better than the last. Some days I struggle with being the only parent in our household but we get through. Thank you for all the prayers sent our way, they have been answered in so many ways. Thank you and Merry Christmas!